Thursday, April 18, 2013

Post 101

This is the 101st post for 3300 Miles to Bliss.  To commemorate the occasion, I thought that it might be nice to take a retrospective look, analyze some stats, give a state of the union.

The blog was two years old this last February.  I live in Brooklyn.

Okay, great.  Now, let's look at some stats.   We've had 10865 views as I'm writing this, and that's solidly mediocre for two years.

906 of the views have come from people stumbling across this page:

So that's nice.  People love taking polls.  Stuie's uncle told us that.  Perhaps I'll have some more.  What do you think? (See what I did there?)

96 of our views have been provided by the Russian search engine  I don't really know why that is.  However, it is a fact that the dude walking in between Stuie and I in the blog's banner picture has grandparents from Russia.  I'll keep him there.  Keep viewing the page comrades, and please encourage North Korea to simmer down. 

According to the stats, about 100 people have arrived at the blog by searching keywords directly pertaining to the blogs title.  5 people have arrived at the blog by searching "dad isn't keeping."  I figure that I lost five potential blog fans when they clicked on my url but found no information on how to keep dads fresh.  Now, to meet the demand, I will supply what information I have on the subject.


Your pops is losing that skip in his step?  Dad has a bit of salt in his pepper?    Pappy doesn't strap the roller skates on as much as he used to?  Your old man is getting a bit too comfortable with his title? Tu padre aparece mas como una chihuahua que un joven?  The governor needs a few more swings to chop down that tree?  You find that your progenitor dozes off when he hears too many words like progenitor?  The author of your family has lost some prolificacy?  The old seed sower doesn't seem to walk the fields as much as he used to?  Pa's gettin' old?  And you're un-familia how to deal with the increasingly elderly condition of your paterfamilias?  Well, do I have an answer for you!

After my sister and I discovered the consequences of time's inevitability on our father, we tried everything to help preserve his freshness:  the classic treatments--mud baths, meditation, yoga, saunas, cryogenics, plasma replacement; the creams--radish, date, pickle, spf, bourbon, cat dander, skittle; the dietary supplemants--radish, date, pickle, spf, bourbon, cat dander, skittle; the periphery treatments--plastic wrap, refrigeration, the lima bean, polka.  But nothing worked!


Also, some of the treatments, as invasive as they as are, were not received well by our subject.  Apparently people don't take kindly to being pounced on by four handfuls of cat dander cream as soon as they arrive home from work.

Finally, we had the epiphany that would keep pop as fresh and bouncy as the day that we met him.  Lucky for us, we discovered the treatment relatively early on, and it's proven to be supremely effective.  You can see the results for yourself.  People say to my sister and I all the time, "Is that you're dad or a young Justin Bieber?"  Then they are told to stop leaning on the counter.

We decided to treat him much as we would treat freshly picked garden chives.  Because what do freshly picked garden chives and fathers have in common?

Dad isn't keeping?  Wrap him in a moist cloth each night and put him in a temperate spot in the ice box.  You'll be glad you did.


  1. So I have tried many times to vote for John Stocton, and it will not accept my vote. Fuck that ish. The poll will not accept feedback. I think it's intending the question to be rhetorical.

  2. Also we are probably still doing better than that "professional blogger" we met in the bar in San Fran.